My Grief

Hello, I'm back from the move.  Let's start off by saying that I'm so incredibly thankful for the house we are able to live in, I've been driven by the alternative and I almost cried for the people that have to live there.  As I told my husband, "you're lucky, because about this time I'd be one miserable bitch".  Enough said.  So, in a nutshell, things are great, the move went relatively smoothly, and we are pretty much unpacked and settled.

Something has been really weighing on my mind lately.  I'm usually a glass is 3/4 full kind of girl.  I find that without thinking, I'm always making a positive comment in light of a shitty situation.  In fact, when our couch didn't arrive with the movers (yes, they lost a damn COUCH), my Mom laughed at me when I said, "well, at least we'll have more room in the living room for the kids to play".  Yeah, that's usually the kind of girl I am.

The downside to this trait (it was hard to find a downside...get it? hardy har) is that I think - and I'm no shrink - but I think that I may be repressing feelings.  No, I don't have repressed feelings about my missing couch (which, by the way, will be here in a few days).  I think I hold things in and try to ignore the negative so much , that when the straw is breaking the camel's back, I lose it completely.

I'm afraid that this might happen in our current situation.  Because my 3 year is severely speech delayed, and he needs major therapy, my husband and I are both concerned, obviously.  But on top of that, he has some strange...um...mannerisms.  I wouldn't exactly call them totally weird and strange all of the time, but he is definitely a different duck.  He bops along to the beat in his own head sometimes and seems to be in his own little world as well sometimes.  I do see some tendencies that professionals would love to label (I refuse to let him be labelled - we work on solutions, not labels), but I'm having a hard time admitting it, especially to my husband.  My husband is overly critical, not of my son, but of his behaviours, and doesn't want him to be different.  He doesn't want him to be teased, to be slower than the other kids, he doesn't want him to be an outcast. 

I totally get that.  But every time he starts getting worked up over it, I really try and downplay it.  'Maybe he'll grow out of his immaturity, maybe he'll start talking really soon, really well, for sure the other kids will love him - look at him - he's the most adorable kid ever made'....that kind of thing.  When my husband is overreacting, I'm under reacting.  But I do see things about our son that makes him a little different from other kids.  I don't want to admit it.  Maybe it will go away.  Maybe once he gets to preschool, he'll start to act like the other kids and not have everyone stare at him. 

He is the happiest kid I know.  His eyes light up, he loves singing and dancing, he can actually tell me what numbers are what on a page (numbers his almost 5 year old sister doesn't know).  He's really smart, and I see that about him.  But I fear there really is something else there.  I don't know what it is, but he goes for his first speech therapy appointment in our new city next week, and I'm excited and terrified at the same time.  I don't want to hear what I don't want to hear.

Maybe I'm not repressing feelings, maybe I'm just denying them all together.  I refuse to wallow in this, this kid is a terrific kid, and we'll come out on top of this.  It's just scarier than hell to go through.

Top 10 of The Week

So here are the top 10 biggies of the week (it was a pretty slow week, so hopefully I can come up with 10 - maybe 5 good, 5 bad....we'll have to see...)

Ahem*

10.  Snow in June.  That's all I'll say about that.

9.  This daylight-until-one-in-the-morning thing is really screwing with my clock.  It sucks when you're sitting there watching tv at night, and realize it's 1 am, and you aren't even tired yet.  And it's still bright out.

8.  There is a vole living under my shed.  So thankful that I didn't meet him until a week before we move.

7.  The guy that was appointed to us to help us with our move through my husband's work is a total moron.  Ummm, return a call much???

6.  I'm starting to realize I'll miss living here, but mostly miss the people.  We have been pretty much shut in for the last 2 years (except for summer, which lasts 4 months out of the year - the rest is winter - only 2 seasons) and I so won't miss that!

5.  We sold our vehicle, so we don't have to pay $1200 to barge it to our new post (there are no roads to drive out of here in the summer)

4.  I'm eating licorice nibs as I type this.  Yum.

3.  My 4 year old requested Gwen Stefani videos before bed tonight.   With a side of Katy Perry.  4 years old.  Awesome.

2.  We're having take out Chinese tomorrow night.  Not a big deal, right?  For me it is.  A.  I don't have to cook.  B.  There is one place to order out from here (actually there is 2 but I don't feel like ordering food poisoning, so I'll pass on the second).  C.  I cook every. single. night. therefore, refer back to A.

1.  The most awesome-est thing happened today!!!  Okay - backstory - we are moving to a place where the cost of living should be illegal, and houses are in the $stupid range.  So, we have decided we need to pick a rental place out of the choices that hubby's work provides.  There are very few houses on that list, and a couple weeks ago, we got a call that we got one of these houses.  HOLY CRAP!!!!  That was so lucky....until they called and said they made a mistake, it had already been promised to someone else. 

So, back to plan A, moving into a row house, with no backyard for the kids, no room for any of our stuff, blah, blah, blah.  When asked what the chances of another house coming up were, we were told to not get our hopes up.  So, we sulked for a few days, and I came to the conclusion that we would be happy no matter where we were living, and maybe something better would come up eventually.

Still with me?  So, hubs is in the new city today on our house hunting trip, and he calls them this morning to make a time to meet them to look at row housing.  Well.  He is informed that a house came up yesterday and our names are on it!!!!  I'm so damn pumped!!!  If it were just me and he, it wouldn't matter, but damn it - I want a yard for the kids - I don't want to deprive them of anything. 

So, with that chills-down-your-spine-hair-stand-up-on-your-arms story, I'll just leave you with....

Have a fantastic weekend friends!!

Check It Out!!!!

I am so very excited tonight!!!  A pretty terrific friend of mine has agree to do a product review for me.  And.....I'm doing a giveaway through her blog.  I'm not going to go into specifics because she pretty much has all of the bases covered....

So....what the heck are you waiting for???  Get on over there!!!!!

Things I Know About Today

It's Sunday (Sunday, gotta get down on Sunday).  Hubby's day off.  The weather is rockin' it out here, so I see some sort of fatigue-inducing fresh air activities for the kids.  As I sit here with my coffee, I'm thinking about what's been going on with us lately.  We were told on Thursday that there was a house available for us to take when we move, and Friday it was given to someone else.  Major bummer.  But, I just keep telling myself that it will all work out in the end, and it doesn't matter where we live, as long as we're happy (I'm really trying to convince myself that living in small row housing is just as good as a nice big house with an attached garage).  Anyhow, I've turned my thoughts to what I know for sure (being type A, I like to have certainties, I don't do well with sitting back and going with the flow).  Here is what I know for sure:

- I didn't get my laundry folded last night because I was engrossed (yet again) in the first Sex In The City movie, just priming myself for part 2, which I haven't seen yet.  I know, I'm still trying to get into 2010.

- I have waffle batter sitting in my fridge waiting to be cooked for breakfast.  Love these waffles!  They are made with yeast, and I let the batter sit overnight, and well, they are divine!!!

- The weather has been awesome!  Three days before we got home from holidays, there was a major snowstorm here, and I thought we'd still be shovelling out, but Mother Nature (thankyouverymuch) decided to change her mind on that and melt it all herself.

- My daughter is sporting a huge black eye from the playground.  Monkey bar - 1, sweet little girl - 0.

- I'm still so excited about my new business, and have some exciting news coming up about that, so stay tuned!!

- I am stalling on actively trying to potty train my son, am I lazy or is he just not ready?  I think I'm lazy.  He's 3.  In my defense, I am offering smarties and pee treats to him, he is just really stubborn (too bad he's so much like his Dad! ha)

- I wasn't taken away in the Rapture everyone has been talking about, which kind of worries me.  I heard (correct me if I'm wrong) that all of the good Christians will be taken to heaven on May 21st, and the rest will be taken to hell 5 months later.  I'm thinking this means I didn't make the cut.  A little worriesome.

- My kids are awesome.  That is all.

Have a great day, hoping your weather is as great as ours!

The Chaos That Surrounds Me

In my life, I have found a few certainties, some of which are:

- if one kid sleeps through the night, the other won't
- when you drop a piece of toast on the floor, it will always fall peanut butter side down
- just when you start thinking life is as it should be, a curve ball (or two or three) get thrown at you

Don't get me wrong, my life is pretty damn good, I can't complain.  But, I will - just a little.

I can now make light of this (a little bit), because I'm a couple months removed from the initial kick in the crotch.

Let me take you back to last July. (For the record, this may get a little long).  I mentioned to the nurse at our health center that I had concerns about our son not talking.  He was 28 months at the time.  I was of the opinion that he would just wake up one day and decide to talk (as every story I ever heard from anyone I've talked to about this has gone - to that I say ppptttthhhhhhh).  Fast forward to March when we finally get an appointment with a speech therapist. 

This gal was fairly young, and new to her job - but I wasn't holding that against her.  Yet.  Our appointment was 1/2 hour long, and 25 minutes of the appointment consisted of her observing him and asking me questions.  She spent a few minutes on seeing what he could say, if he could identify pictures, etc.  After our "appointment", she tells me that she is concerned that he is on the autism spectrum.  And, several times she told me "I know this is very hard to hear right now".  Really?  Maybe you should reserve judgement until someone qualified looks at him.  (sorry, I'm getting ahead of myself...)

I'm frozen.

Before I freak out on her (which, let's face it, any parent in denial would do) I readily agree to a referral to a pediatrician and occupational therapist.  Now, where we live, appointments don't come quickly (see: July to March above).  So.  I go home, and inform my husband of what just went down.  We both proceed to take turns in causing more panic in the other, all the while focusing on nothing else but what weird behaviour our son is exhibiting at any given moment.  (When did he start doing that?  Is that normal?  What the hell does that mean?)

I think it was a full day and a half before I stopped crying, that time full of thoughts about what his future would be like, and how I was going to beat the crap out of any kid that dared to bully my sweet, sweet boy, because clearly, the therapist had just given him a death sentence.

Enough of that crap.  Luckily, the kids and I were flying "home" for a visit, where there is a wider variety of care for cases like his.  I get that he has a severe speech delay, and I wanted another opinion on that, seeing as how the last gal told me to "just keep doing what you're doing with him".  Clearly that was working, lady.

I managed to contact a lady who not only is an occupational therapist, but also owns another company with a speech language pathologist.  (Not sure what I did to deserve that shiny gem, but it lifted about 1000 lbs. off of me).  She heard my story and told me that they would work around us and see us whenever we could get there.  I love this woman.  Love.

I took him for an assessment with each of them, and after all was said and done, he does have a severe speech issue, as well as some immaturity/behavioural issues, which could be attributed to the lack of speech.  Oh, and no autism.  Surprise surprise.  Not a word you want to be throwing around to parents when clearly it's not autism at all.  But, I digress.

We are getting together a clear plan of what we need to be doing for him, and I feel a lot better about the whole thing.  Yes, it would be easier if he just talked and acted like other kids, but on the other hand, he is healthy, alive and happy (and oh so silly!!). 

I always try to see the lessons in things, and the big one here is how much compassion I've gained for parents who have autistic children (or any special needs children for that matter).  These kids are so awesome, but I caught a glimpse into the unbearable heartache these parents feel.  To envision your child's future as grim, as I have for a brief moment, is the biggest hurt I've ever felt.  I pray to never feel it again, yet I know that there are so many parents who live it every day.

To put the cherry on the top, we found out we are moving by June 10th (thankfully to a larger center where speech therapy is readily available).  I hate moving.  But, that's for another post.

For now, we are teaching and praising new words, enjoying every little milestone and just hoping for the best.

I Thought We Came Here To Get Away From This...

Mission accomplished!  We flew home last Friday, successfully I might add (as in: no one was injured, permanently physically or emotionally damaged, or thrown out of any airport or airplane).  With that being done, I said that I probably won't travel with the kids by myself again next time (which I believe is what I say every time we arrive back home), so we'll have to see. 

At this point, please remind me of these words 8 or so months down the road when it's time to do this all over again.  Please.

Anyhow, we made it home to my inlaw's city, and the following day we travelled to my home town 2 1/2 hours away.  Where I live now, there really is no driving.  Unless you count driving the 24 seconds to the store, post office and bank. 

Yes, I drive.  Don't judge.

The drive to my hometown was awesome, and even though spring around here entails having to look at brown, dead and muddy land everywhere, I loved being able to see the ground!  I haven't seen the actual ground since last fall, and I missed it.  Spring was just trying to burst out of the ground here and I loved the moist/muddy/fresh smells that were filling the air.

Until.

Last night, we got about 3 inches of snow.  Seriously????  We just left the extremely far north to get away from this (well, and to see our families).  We still have 10 foot snow banks in our front yard, and we have to go through this all over again? 

Time to get the shovel out.  Again.  But, at least my hubby arrived safely last night before all hell broke loose weather wise.  For that I can be thankful. 

It's been a long week with appointments, and a very trying one.  Our 3 year old son has some developmental issues (which I'll blog about soon), and to be truthful, I'm ready to just forget about having to make decisions for the next little while.  On top of that, we just found out that we're moving in June.  We get back from holidays May 16th, and we're moving in June.  Yep.

Lots on my mind, but I just keep telling myself that everything works out in it's own time.  It just has a way of doing that. 

So, for now, I'll shovel, and not worry about the rest.

Outta Here Baby!!

Well, I'm off to the great warm south today with the kids in tow! (If you never hear from me again, they got the best of me...)

I'm going to be checking in and even *gasp* posting about our holiday, so don't think I've disappeared from the face of the earth....

If you are wanting information on Arbonne, or needing to order or need to get a hold of me, I'm taking my laptop with me, and will be checking in every day, so send me a line!

clairedonison@live.ca

www.clairedonison.myarbonne.ca

Have a great weekend!! :)