I was going to try and use this blog as just my own, my "time away from the kids", but I just have to share. My 3 year old girl is obsessed with watching me get dressed, obsessed with my bra and my "boobies". I find it quite funny, yet disturbing all at the same time. She loves playing with my bras, pretending she's wearing them, she's even taken a toy with an elastic attached to it, and wore it around her chest, claiming that she, too, has a bra.
Funny stuff.
Until.
I started thinking about all of the things to come with a daughter, and got sweaty palms (that's what happens to me when I think of things like this, or, you know, death and stuff). I flashed forward to the first day of her period, the day she has questions that I know the answers to, but will stumble and fumble with my words, finally faking a coughing/choking episode. With any luck, I won't be faking and I won't recover from it.
I am the kind of person who will ride the wave, thinking that there is lots of time to come up with the right things to say, that I have all of the time in the world to prepare for the inevitable, but I also know in the back of my mind that one day she's just going to spring shit on me and I'm going to do my best deerintheheadlights.
But for now, I'm going to enjoy the cuteness of it all, enjoy the little 3 year old that has so much innocence. So much innocence in fact, that I wasn't surprised at all when, the other day, she asked if I have hair on my bum.
Excuse me while I dry the palms of my hands...
Thoughts From The Wells
Monday, May 24, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Something I've Always Wanted To Do
As I approach a number closer to 40 (not until next March, but still - time seems to be going faster and faster), I am thinking about the things I have ambitions to do. Lately, I have been thinking that I would like to run a 5K.
The thought of crossing that finish line with so much pride and satisfaction gets me a little excited! The thought of actually running it terrifies the bejeebies out of me. I mean, really. I'm not a runner. I don't even own a pair of runners. I own loafers (huh, what is this telling me?), I own sandals, sandals with straps, heels, flowers, I even own golf sandals (which I love, by the way). I don't own runners. Therefore, I don't run. But, I think I could run.
I'm not sure how I would start training, or where I would run, or even how long a 5K should take me (I don't care, really, how long it takes, I just don't want to finish last). You know that saying, "you don't have to be the fastest, you just have to be faster than the slowest"? That's kinda where I see myself. Although, I do have to say, I am kind of athletic, I think I could do this. I do pretty much every sport but running.
I think I'm talking myself into this.
The thought of crossing that finish line with so much pride and satisfaction gets me a little excited! The thought of actually running it terrifies the bejeebies out of me. I mean, really. I'm not a runner. I don't even own a pair of runners. I own loafers (huh, what is this telling me?), I own sandals, sandals with straps, heels, flowers, I even own golf sandals (which I love, by the way). I don't own runners. Therefore, I don't run. But, I think I could run.
I'm not sure how I would start training, or where I would run, or even how long a 5K should take me (I don't care, really, how long it takes, I just don't want to finish last). You know that saying, "you don't have to be the fastest, you just have to be faster than the slowest"? That's kinda where I see myself. Although, I do have to say, I am kind of athletic, I think I could do this. I do pretty much every sport but running.
I think I'm talking myself into this.
By Definition
In looking back on my life, I guess I've always been defined by something. Whether it was being the daughter with the good grades, or the athletic one, or the musical one (yes, I was a band geek, and yes, I did go to band camp - you don' t know what you're missing!). There was always something there that defined me.
I guess in a way that's good, but I don't want my kids to ever think that that's what they "are". I think it's important for everyone to have something they can call their own, but I certainly don't think it should define them totally. As a side note, I don't think the above labels were ever put on me by my parents, just by myself. Thus the reason for this post.
Is it fair to put labels on ourselves, define ourselves by something we do or have in our lives? I'd like to think that there are many things that define me, totally. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend, an optician, a golfer, the list could go on and on.
Another reason for this post is that I was thinking back about the time period where we dealt with infertility for 9 years, before we were blessed with our daughter. There was a period where I let our inability to have kids define me. It was all consuming. It seemed that no matter where I looked, someone was asking us when were having kids, someone was pregnant, or I was getting an invitation to a baby shower. It was everywhere, and I felt like I couldn't escape this horrible feeling that my failure to have kids was who I was.
I have a different view of things now that I have come out to the "other side". I would admit, as well, that it is easier to say that it was wrong (for me) to let infertility define me now that we have kids. For those who will never get their chance to be parents, it is easy to let it define them, perhaps for life. I am one of the very lucky ones who can look back on it as a learning experience, a lesson in patience, acceptance and perseverance.
I don't define myself by this any longer, but I do wear the label, the badge with pride. It is nothing you would ever want to go through, but it does change you, and for the better, if you let it. It will be with us forever, when we explain to our daughter how she was conceived, to our children how very much they were wanted and how the pain of the journey never quite goes away.
These days, by definition, a part of me is a Mom, a big part of me. While I don't think it's necessarily a good thing to let one thing define a person, this is one label I will proudly display for the rest of my life.
I guess in a way that's good, but I don't want my kids to ever think that that's what they "are". I think it's important for everyone to have something they can call their own, but I certainly don't think it should define them totally. As a side note, I don't think the above labels were ever put on me by my parents, just by myself. Thus the reason for this post.
Is it fair to put labels on ourselves, define ourselves by something we do or have in our lives? I'd like to think that there are many things that define me, totally. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, a friend, an optician, a golfer, the list could go on and on.
Another reason for this post is that I was thinking back about the time period where we dealt with infertility for 9 years, before we were blessed with our daughter. There was a period where I let our inability to have kids define me. It was all consuming. It seemed that no matter where I looked, someone was asking us when were having kids, someone was pregnant, or I was getting an invitation to a baby shower. It was everywhere, and I felt like I couldn't escape this horrible feeling that my failure to have kids was who I was.
I have a different view of things now that I have come out to the "other side". I would admit, as well, that it is easier to say that it was wrong (for me) to let infertility define me now that we have kids. For those who will never get their chance to be parents, it is easy to let it define them, perhaps for life. I am one of the very lucky ones who can look back on it as a learning experience, a lesson in patience, acceptance and perseverance.
I don't define myself by this any longer, but I do wear the label, the badge with pride. It is nothing you would ever want to go through, but it does change you, and for the better, if you let it. It will be with us forever, when we explain to our daughter how she was conceived, to our children how very much they were wanted and how the pain of the journey never quite goes away.
These days, by definition, a part of me is a Mom, a big part of me. While I don't think it's necessarily a good thing to let one thing define a person, this is one label I will proudly display for the rest of my life.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Break Up
Over the last week or so, we've been experiencing "break up" here in Norman Wells. The ice on the Mackenzie River is breaking up and flowing towards the Arctic Ocean, and normally it's really something to see. This year, apparently is a little different, in that it's a slower break up, so not as dramatic as in past years. Having never seen this, we are still very impressed! The mountains of ice are really impressive to see, and it's nice to see open water down the river. Here are some pictures we took of break up, it's hard to realize the size of the ice mountains until there is a person standing in front of them (unfortunately, that person was me!).
The river covered in ice with the trees and mountains in the background
The river covered in ice with the trees and mountains in the background
Jayda wanted to go swimming, so we tested the water. She decided it was a little too cold!!
Really beautiful ice formations, it really is quite a neat sight to see!
Saturday, May 8, 2010
From The Worst To The Best
I used to hate Mother's Day. I would just dread the day and everything having to do with it. Don't get me wrong, I am very appreciative of my Mom, and celebrated the day with her every year. However, after getting married and deciding to try to have a baby ourselves (with no success for 9 years), I disliked the day more and more, year after year. Commercials on tv, signs everywhere you turn, even people wishing you a Happy Mother's Day (I must have "looked" old enough to have kids, and I guess it was just an assumption). Hate, hate, hate.
I know that hate is a strong word, but ask anyone who has trouble having children when they want to have them. Hate is pretty appropriate.
Mother's Day 2007 became one of my favorite days, after our daughter was born in July of 2006. I feel a little selfish in saying that I hated a day meant to honor my Mom, and like I said, I would celebrate with her every year, but there was a huge chunk of my heart missing, especially on that day. Anyhow, in preparation for "MY" special day in 2007, I did everything I could to instruct my husband on how to make this day the best it could be for me. That sounds very selfish as well, but let me tell you, my hubby's specialty isn't putting a huge amount of thought into special occasions.
He does okay, but he's a last minute kid of guy, so I wanted to make sure I wasn't getting tennis rackets for my very first Mother's Day (another story for another time). I informed him that I was sleeping in that day, and that I wanted a ring from my daughter. That was pretty much it, but it was important that I got a piece of jewelery from my little girl. And to this day, whenever I look at my ring, I remember how special my 1st Mother's Day was, and how long I waited for it.
I am not high maintenance, by any means (even my hubby will tell you that), but, damnit, I was going to get the gift I wanted and spend the day the way I wanted - and I did. Because I earned it. Happy Mother's Day to all Mom's, and to everyone who has a child whom they haven't met yet.
I know that hate is a strong word, but ask anyone who has trouble having children when they want to have them. Hate is pretty appropriate.
Mother's Day 2007 became one of my favorite days, after our daughter was born in July of 2006. I feel a little selfish in saying that I hated a day meant to honor my Mom, and like I said, I would celebrate with her every year, but there was a huge chunk of my heart missing, especially on that day. Anyhow, in preparation for "MY" special day in 2007, I did everything I could to instruct my husband on how to make this day the best it could be for me. That sounds very selfish as well, but let me tell you, my hubby's specialty isn't putting a huge amount of thought into special occasions.
He does okay, but he's a last minute kid of guy, so I wanted to make sure I wasn't getting tennis rackets for my very first Mother's Day (another story for another time). I informed him that I was sleeping in that day, and that I wanted a ring from my daughter. That was pretty much it, but it was important that I got a piece of jewelery from my little girl. And to this day, whenever I look at my ring, I remember how special my 1st Mother's Day was, and how long I waited for it.
I am not high maintenance, by any means (even my hubby will tell you that), but, damnit, I was going to get the gift I wanted and spend the day the way I wanted - and I did. Because I earned it. Happy Mother's Day to all Mom's, and to everyone who has a child whom they haven't met yet.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Judgement and Lemonade
I got insulted today, very insulted. The jist of the situation was that I got called ignorant and a racist. I had made a comment on a message board, first questioning whether someone was Jewish or not (I really didn't know), and second stating that I don't like the double standard that our society has as far as things like the "N" word. I don't feel that one group should be able to use them, and another shouldn't. NOBODY should be using these derogatory terms. So, that's where I stood on that.
After making those statements, I was basically attacked by the author of the post, who called me ignorant and racist. I take great, great issue with this. I am the farthest thing from those things.
Enough of the rehash. What I learned from this was that even when someone doesn't agree with you, even when they have their facts way wrong, even when they try to embarrass you and even when they refuse to even see another side to their own, a person must step back and take the situation for what it is.
I admit I was so very hurt to begin with, the shock rang through my body at being told what my statements meant, even when they didn't mean what someone interpreted them to say. After stepping away from that part of the conversaton, I began to see that this was a person upset about something else that had occurred and that I may have become the punching bag for her frustration with her situation.
Just like we take things out on people when we shouldn't and when they don't deserve it, we still do it. I am the type of person who likes to see the positive side of things, who likes to get something good out of every situation, even really shitty ones. This one is no different, from now on, I'm sure to choose my words very carefully, and give everyone the benefit of the doubt and a chance to explain themselves before I judge. See, there it is - lemonade...
After making those statements, I was basically attacked by the author of the post, who called me ignorant and racist. I take great, great issue with this. I am the farthest thing from those things.
Enough of the rehash. What I learned from this was that even when someone doesn't agree with you, even when they have their facts way wrong, even when they try to embarrass you and even when they refuse to even see another side to their own, a person must step back and take the situation for what it is.
I admit I was so very hurt to begin with, the shock rang through my body at being told what my statements meant, even when they didn't mean what someone interpreted them to say. After stepping away from that part of the conversaton, I began to see that this was a person upset about something else that had occurred and that I may have become the punching bag for her frustration with her situation.
Just like we take things out on people when we shouldn't and when they don't deserve it, we still do it. I am the type of person who likes to see the positive side of things, who likes to get something good out of every situation, even really shitty ones. This one is no different, from now on, I'm sure to choose my words very carefully, and give everyone the benefit of the doubt and a chance to explain themselves before I judge. See, there it is - lemonade...
Saturday, May 1, 2010
Finding time
I haven't found time lately to blog, and that really makes me sad. I enjoy blogging and find it cathartic, but with the nice weather we've been having, and a new commitment I made to myself and my kids, I have been spending every waking moment with them on long walks and playing in the backyard. It's not that I'm on the internet all hours of the day, but for sure there are times when I'm telling them "just wait until Mommy is done her 'work' on the computer". I am coming to the realization that they really are growing up so quickly (what they say is true) and I don't want to look back thinking that all I did was spend my time with them playing on the computer (or whatever I was doing). Guilt will do that to you.
As I am typing this, I am in the living room with my son, who is watching tv and playing, and we're waiting for little girl to wake up. Hypocritical, no? Maybe, but I am playing with him, too, causing me to take 3 times as long to get this post out. But, I don't mind being interrupted.
After spending so much of my time with the kids everyday (and, well, I should be - I'm a stay at home Mom!), I've gotten to thinking about what is fair in my "me time" expectations. Really, is it fair to ask for a little time for myself during the day, obviously not when they "need" me, but maybe if they are watching a show, doing a puzzle or playing cars? I know everyone does it, but does everyone feel a little guilty like I do? Do you ever feel like you're taking something away from your kids because you are doing something for yourself?
I've been told that is the joy of motherhood - a permanent, entrenched feeling of guilt. At all times. Mostly self inflicted, but there regardless.
I'm off to play with my kids - it's a beautiful day out there!
As I am typing this, I am in the living room with my son, who is watching tv and playing, and we're waiting for little girl to wake up. Hypocritical, no? Maybe, but I am playing with him, too, causing me to take 3 times as long to get this post out. But, I don't mind being interrupted.
After spending so much of my time with the kids everyday (and, well, I should be - I'm a stay at home Mom!), I've gotten to thinking about what is fair in my "me time" expectations. Really, is it fair to ask for a little time for myself during the day, obviously not when they "need" me, but maybe if they are watching a show, doing a puzzle or playing cars? I know everyone does it, but does everyone feel a little guilty like I do? Do you ever feel like you're taking something away from your kids because you are doing something for yourself?
I've been told that is the joy of motherhood - a permanent, entrenched feeling of guilt. At all times. Mostly self inflicted, but there regardless.
I'm off to play with my kids - it's a beautiful day out there!
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