My Grief

Hello, I'm back from the move.  Let's start off by saying that I'm so incredibly thankful for the house we are able to live in, I've been driven by the alternative and I almost cried for the people that have to live there.  As I told my husband, "you're lucky, because about this time I'd be one miserable bitch".  Enough said.  So, in a nutshell, things are great, the move went relatively smoothly, and we are pretty much unpacked and settled.

Something has been really weighing on my mind lately.  I'm usually a glass is 3/4 full kind of girl.  I find that without thinking, I'm always making a positive comment in light of a shitty situation.  In fact, when our couch didn't arrive with the movers (yes, they lost a damn COUCH), my Mom laughed at me when I said, "well, at least we'll have more room in the living room for the kids to play".  Yeah, that's usually the kind of girl I am.

The downside to this trait (it was hard to find a downside...get it? hardy har) is that I think - and I'm no shrink - but I think that I may be repressing feelings.  No, I don't have repressed feelings about my missing couch (which, by the way, will be here in a few days).  I think I hold things in and try to ignore the negative so much , that when the straw is breaking the camel's back, I lose it completely.

I'm afraid that this might happen in our current situation.  Because my 3 year is severely speech delayed, and he needs major therapy, my husband and I are both concerned, obviously.  But on top of that, he has some strange...um...mannerisms.  I wouldn't exactly call them totally weird and strange all of the time, but he is definitely a different duck.  He bops along to the beat in his own head sometimes and seems to be in his own little world as well sometimes.  I do see some tendencies that professionals would love to label (I refuse to let him be labelled - we work on solutions, not labels), but I'm having a hard time admitting it, especially to my husband.  My husband is overly critical, not of my son, but of his behaviours, and doesn't want him to be different.  He doesn't want him to be teased, to be slower than the other kids, he doesn't want him to be an outcast. 

I totally get that.  But every time he starts getting worked up over it, I really try and downplay it.  'Maybe he'll grow out of his immaturity, maybe he'll start talking really soon, really well, for sure the other kids will love him - look at him - he's the most adorable kid ever made'....that kind of thing.  When my husband is overreacting, I'm under reacting.  But I do see things about our son that makes him a little different from other kids.  I don't want to admit it.  Maybe it will go away.  Maybe once he gets to preschool, he'll start to act like the other kids and not have everyone stare at him. 

He is the happiest kid I know.  His eyes light up, he loves singing and dancing, he can actually tell me what numbers are what on a page (numbers his almost 5 year old sister doesn't know).  He's really smart, and I see that about him.  But I fear there really is something else there.  I don't know what it is, but he goes for his first speech therapy appointment in our new city next week, and I'm excited and terrified at the same time.  I don't want to hear what I don't want to hear.

Maybe I'm not repressing feelings, maybe I'm just denying them all together.  I refuse to wallow in this, this kid is a terrific kid, and we'll come out on top of this.  It's just scarier than hell to go through.