So, I have a little (actually gigantic) ugly secret. I am a smoker. Check that, I was a smoker. I had my last cigarette a couple of days ago. I'm doing good, still craving a smoke like crazy more often than I would like, but I'm fighting them off, and slowly, very slowly getting control of this awful death grip.
I know that probably most of you reading this aren't smokers, and probably have never smoked. (People like me seem to be in the huge minority these days!) It is so hard for someone who someone who hasn't gone through this to understand how hard it is at times, just as it's hard for me to understand how it is it be really sick, or depressed or any of the things I'm not. Smoking, not wanting to smoke, quitting smoking - it gives me a whole crap load more empathy for people in their own difficult situations.
You see, I have this great husband. And, these two great kids. And I think it's incredibly selfish to be smoking, polluting my body, killing myself, when I have this great family. And, that's not even mentioning the other members of my family and my great friends. Where the heck would they be without me? I mean, come on, I would be doing the world a huge disservice by killing myself through smoking.
The day I had my last cigarette, I had a talk with my 4 year old daughter. I told her I needed to talk to her, that it was really important. I think she thought she was in trouble for something, or that she was sentenced to her room for not cleaning it. I sat her down, looked deep into her eyes, and said, "Mommy is not going to smoke anymore. Smoking is so bad for me, and I love you guys, and I'm not going to smoke." She tilted her head, and seemed to get tears in her eyes, mirroring mine. She thought for a minute and then softly said, "but Mommy, if you hold them carefully, you won't burn yourself!"
Out of the mouths of babes.
That just kind of makes me realize how precious the gifts I am giving up are to me. Like I said before, I think smoking is selfish. I am a hypocrite (or I was!). It's funny, because when people found out I smoked, they were surprised. I am a 37 year old Mom to 2 young kids, seemingly healthy gal, and smoking is a disgusting little habit - one reserved for other people. Not me. Well, I'm a girl who started smoking at 14, was part of a group growing up where 90% of her friends smoked, watched practically all of them give it up years ago, felt left out because I just couldn't seem to get rid of this nastiness. But, now I'm saying good bye to it for good.
I'm missing it a little, but not for long. I'm going to realize how great it is to not be tied down to this addiction.
I'm not going to be that chick that sneaks outside for a smoke anymore, smelling like stinky butt.
I'm going to do this. After all, I don't have it so bad - there is always someone else out there getting through much bigger struggles than mine - and I have so much to gain from this!
6 comments:
Fantastic! You can do it! And if you slip, just try again (no- it's not starting over). It's a terrible struggle, but you're a strong person. Sometimes a doctor can help you work out a plan. We're rooting for you out here in blog world!
Thank you so much Carolyn!! That really means a lot, I'm not usually a person to ask for help, but I can totally see how support from other people is so helpful!
That is GREAT Claire ! I quit smoking many years ago & let me tell you it was HARD ! However, it sounds like you are bound and determined to do this so I know you will !!!
I had my first cigarette when I was 14 also.
Quitting was one of the hardest things I've done. It took many times of quitting till I really got off them. It's been 26 years now. You can do it. Take good care of yourself and be gentle with yourself however your process goes.
I would always end up giving in and didn't know how I would ever do it differently.
Then I heard about smoking a whole carton of cigarettes,one after the other. Even if you start puking keep on smoking. A heavy smoker needs to do two cartons.
I smoked them all one night, late after the children went to bed. I liked the idea of this because it wasn't that I couldn't have any . I had to have so many. I fell asleep and when I woke up I wasn't able to tolerate the smell -- at all. I thought I would puke if I smelled it. I had to clean my whole house right then. Now I get a migraine if I am around smoke.
It helped me because I never wanted them again.
Purplume - that is probably the craziest thing I've ever heard!! haha Good for you though, for quitting - I think that would probably work for me, too, but I wouldn't have the guts to keep at it long enough to be sick! Great story, thanks!
So so so proud of you my friend!! Seriously!
Post a Comment